Dysfunctional Religious Attachments
Recovering from abuse experienced within a spiritual or religious setting is a long and painful process. While the level of abuse can vary along a given spectrum there are some characteristics common to all cases.
In the same way that an alcoholic denies that he/she has a drink problem or a battered wife’s denies that her husband is an abuser, so too with victims of religious or spiritual abuse. Deep within the abused will be a feeling that something isn’t quite right and yet a strong emotional attachment still locks the victim, for that’s what they are, into a mind-control matrix. The first step to freedom is to admit that one may be imprisoned in such a complex system.
There are a number of phenomena linked to subliminal abuse and control that might suggest you’re suffering a level of abuse.
1) The elevation of the abusive group above all other faith groups.
A clear danger sign is the exclusive nature of such a religious group. The ‘God has chosen us to be special syndrome’ is a symptom of a control mentality.
2) Broken or distrustful relationships with previous friends, family or outsiders.
An ‘us and them’ mental stronghold leads to emotional fractures with those previously close to the victim.
When my wife and I left our Shepherding group, an elder’s wife publically asked the pastor if she could discuss ‘family business’ with us if she met us on the high street. Thankfully and to my great surprise she was told to be as open as she wanted. Yet the question revealed an ‘us and them’ mentality that was prevalent.
3) A level of ‘committment’ to the group that eats up time, money and emotional energy that’s often to the detriment of normal family life.
Often commitment to God is interpreted as commitment to the group. In my experience this is a real sign of near cultic tendencies within faith groups.
4) A strong charismatic leader with an elevated view of his own position and service.
In my own experience I was drawn to the charisma of my leader through mimetic or imitative desire – I wanted to be as close to God as he appeared to be. Like me, such ‘followers’ can greatly inflate a leaders view of his own importance leading to religious delusions and tight control.
5) A one-man-band leader who insists on doing all the public service of the church.
Variety is a strong characteristic of creation and should be reflected in the life of a faith community. It’s not just the ‘Joe Blogg’s Show’
6) A dismissal of genuine concerns by the leader or leadership.
If the leadership of your faith group are constantly ignoring or belittling your and others feelings of unease then it usually suggests a superiority attitude within the group’s leadership team.
7) ‘God has appointed us as leaders and we always will be – we perceive any disagreement with us as a lack of ‘faith’ on your part‘.
In my own experience my ‘Shepherd’ had a great technique whereby I left private meetings with him with the impression that the ‘problem’ only lay within me. It was a brilliant psychological trick skillfully played on all dissenters!
8) A secrecy regarding the financial expenditure of the group, especially regarding the leader’s salary.
We had a great technique in our fellowship for hiding details of expenditure. The salaries of all our workers were grouped together at the AGM giving the impression of an equality within the salary structure. The opposite was the case – if your group is secretive about detailed expenditure beware. You are under a form of financial control that is contrary to basic integrity.
9) A regular feeling of guilt regarding your ‘service’ to God via the group.
Guilt has nothing to do with being a follower of Yeshua. If this guilt lands on you after attending a faith group then you are being abused.
10) A special ‘in’ language that outsiders can’t understand.
A new language that innocently conveys the ‘hidden agenda’ of the abusers. In my own case such phrases as ‘being under authority’ and ‘ having covering’ were falsely revered as spiritual correctness.
11) A lack of vulnerability on behalf of the leader or teacher.
Most abusive leaders are locked into a denial of their own flaws and weaknesses, appearing strong to their followers. At the same time a level of vulnerability and openness is often required from followers by such a leader. Such a degree of openness keeps the follower locked into the abusive matrix. Remember knowledge is power and especially in abusive pastoral situations.
Potentially, all of us are vulnerable to such abuse when we seek to serve the Divine within the close confines of a faith or esoteric group. Yet, there is another way. My own wee tale of religious puppetry and eventual escape, fleshes out the above pitfalls, while giving hope to those still hungry for the Love that flows from above. Here’s a helpful link to ‘The Prodigal Prophet’ if you’d like to read more of the often unspoken issues raised here.
Writer Dylan Morrison 
Some of these look strangely familiar…
Simon – that indeed is the scary thing. As young ardent followers of Yeshua we were encouraged to sign up to such communities.
I believe the spectrum of abuse, control and subliminal manipulation is now part of the Christian subculture, especially Evangelicalism.
It all comes back to an incorrect view of the Divine – if He’s a controller then why not me as His ‘representative’? Keep your eyes open and guard your sacred space with wisdom my friend!
Prodigal and Simon
Amen!! Very familiar!!
Been there. Ouch!! 😦
There is a benefit. The pain and tears drive you to Jesus.
Jesus loves me this I know…
Wow, sounds like Islam in its present form!!!
I believe the same fear based desire dynamic to be the very essence of all religious thought, no matter what the label! It’s all around us.
This is timely. Thankyou. its scary when your eyes start opening to things that just dont seem ok
This is timely. Thank you. Its scary when you start to notice things that just are not right.
Hi Barefoot
Thanks for dropping by. You’re right, it really is scary when our eyes are opened and we notice the desire games that we’ve become emmeshed in. I really believe such an awakening comes from Divine Love, who shows you the route to a new level of freedom.
Blessings
Dylan
Hi Dylan,
It has been many years since I had ‘that’ experience. I begin to feel the sickening feeling I had so many years ago. The attitude of the leader of I’m right, everyone else is wrong, you shouldn’t be listening to ‘them’. Ugh! I’m very grateful that I’m not part of that setting any longer. Thanks for your article.
Hi Susan.
Thanks for dropping by. Yes, the years slip by and we wonder how on Earth we got into such a power dynamic in our early liives! I guess we were all looking for answers that our metaphysical Model promised. Only later did we discover that they were screwed up as much as us, their followers.
x Dylan
Good post. Your experience reminded me of a very similar church situation my wife and I came out of. It was very confusing, because the patterns of control and abuse were interwoven with other very good Biblical values. If my wife and I hadn’t left, I think it would have left both of us as a dying shell of what God really wanted for us. After several years in a group with several characteristics matching what you described, leaving was the hardest thing I had ever done. I still struggled with massive guilt for almost two years, feeling somehow (in a twisted, illogical way) that it was my fault. I only later realized it was because guilt and manipulation were the patterns for compliance that had been ingrained in me for so long. It was only after we left that my wife and I could finally “breath freedom” and the grace of God. I finally saw clearly the toxic waters of control and abuse that I’d swam in for years. Thanks for posting. I look forward to your next post…
I’m a church-goer who freely admits that my church is capable of spiritual, physical, and emotional abuse. We also have established protocols and safe guards to reduce the likelihood of it, but even so, it’s still possible.
Thank you for your posts and books, Dylan. I am finding them very helpful and sharing chunks of them with my husband, Howard. We exited our church of many years in 2001 in circumstances showing many of the symptoms you describe. Much has gone through our minds since then and my discovery of your thinking just recently has been very revealing. We are still within the C of E but have a very keen eye out for these things and much is now happening that shows exactly these trends with a very controlling vicar who brooks no criticism, even from people who have been on the faith road for many years. We are hanging in very loosely.
Hi Anne
Lovely to hear from you. Yes, your story is all too common within the Christian tribe I’m afraid. Folk who wish to keep their sanity and integrity usually have to move on from the rivalry matrix that exists within many faith expressions. Desire transmitters who get into positions of leadership usually set the ball rolling. Once the mimetic dynamic is released the group becomes a place of conflict or conformity depending on how it all shakes out. I tend to keep clear of religious experts these days – too many flashbacks of past religious games. Thanks for your encouragement re my musings and wee books. Glad that they are proving useful to you along the Way. 🙂 Dylan
accurately describes the church I grew up,but not experienced it much in churches since.