Why Do I Feel Weird In Church?
This is my last post, at least for a while on the subject of mimetic or imitative desire. I want to make it practical and help you identify the strange feeling that you get when you’ve attended church or any other faith community for a while. The pastor, minister, or priest has probably never warned you about it, but it’s there nonetheless, itching away under your confident religious identity.
In the last post we saw how Yeshua died to publicly expose and nullify skewed mimetic or imitative desire. Once this hidden control system was shown for what it was, Yeshua, through Holy Breath, realigned us into direct harmony with the Divine Parent, Abba.
It reminds me of an experiment I did in Physics class when I was knee-high to a grasshopper and had lots of hair. We were given a piece of iron and told how its molecules were totally chaotic, all pointing in a multitude of directions. As the magnets were distributed we were instructed to ‘stroke’ the iron in a particular direction with our magnet. Amazingly after a few strokes our little pieces of iron absorbed the magnetic field of the magnet while its molecules came into harmony by pointing in a set direction. What a great illustration of positive mimesis. By drawing alongside us Spirit has brought our wayward and skewed desires into line with those of Divine Love.
Well that’s the theory but of course we’re still living in the midst of a mimetic culture with its own powerful gravitational field. As followers of Yeshua we tend to hop in and out of desire fields – i.e. the Kingdom and our mimetic world system – ‘I want what you desire – indeed I want your desire, so I can be like you’
One of the most freeing insights I’ve ever received on my Journey was to understand that the Christian community, commonly known as Church, is not the Kingdom of God. It ‘s designed to be a living model of Divinely restored mimetic desire but not the desire field itself. Just because we’re part of a faith community doesn’t guarantee that we’re enjoying the freedom from skewed desire that Yeshua has promised us by Spirit.
So what is this strange feeling that I talked about earlier – the one that informs you that something isn’t quite right in your church? Instead of trying to honestly identify the source of such a feeling many of us Yeshua followers jump on, what I call, our religious treadmill – trying harder to fit in but ultimately finding things only get worse as we spin our way to emotional and spiritual exhaustion.
The problem is, however, quite easily identifiable – you’ve stepped out of imitative desire / harmony with Holy Breath becoming a slave to the surrounding group mimesis. This skewed desire matrix is what holds many religious groups together and indeed, gives them their particular identity.
Yeshua is of course the nominal figurehead but often the real mimetic centrepoint or model of the community is the zealous pastor/ minister/ priest. Scripture is often cleverly twisted in order to to keep the subliminal desire-show on the road. Folk are virally infected by the leaders apparent holy desire, gradually but subconsciously trying to imitate him in his seemingly clear connection with the Divine.
In my own experience, even my handwriting style became a clone of my pastor-model’s – I had the mimetic virus really bad, but that’s another story. Unfortunately such a leader-centered desire matrix leads to intense competitive rivalry within the band of followers, disguised as commitment to the pastor, community or even God Himself.
Such rivalry eventually leads to departures and splits – if the leader begins to sense the ever nearing approach of their desire clone, like some bible carrying zombie in the night of the dead, then they usually freeze out the follower through tighter control or an emotional expulsion.
‘If you’re becoming like me then you might replace me!’
In some rare cases the model leader is the one who has to depart due to the emotional dependency of his disciple clones. Like blood-sucking vampires, the ‘flock’ don’t give the leader space to be his/herself. Nervous breakdowns within professional faith leadership is usually the end result of such intense desire matrixes.
So, if you’ve regularly left church feeling worse than when you went in, stop and think! Your skewed desire alarm has been going off. You’ve probably sat through a dysfunctional exchange of desire that subconsciously blocks your new-found mimetic harmony with the Divine. Amazing but true! Do spread the word around about this wolf in sheep’s clothing. If we talk about it enough perhaps we Yeshua’s followers might just start to enjoy the Divine life flow that the Nazarene promised!
Writer Dylan Morrison 
For many years this was my experience. It could be described as being in a state is spiritual incongruence. Ones experience does not match up to ones self structure. As in all aspects of life we must strive to keep our locus of evaluation within. When we strive to please others or compromise to fit in, this leads to this sense of incongruence/anxiety/nausea.
Great comment Simon – that’s why Self – awareness isn’t the enemy of faith as most Christians believe. When Paul teaches on ‘the flesh’ he’s referring to the survival-self, born out of rejection that’s completely out of kilter with the unconditional Divine Love that’s available for all of us as our source of genuine authentication. Without the internal synchronicity with the Divine we are like sheep to the controlled slaughter! At least that’s been my experience.
Prodigal Prophet,
These are tremedously insightful posts weaving mimetic desire into the gospel narrative and church experience. Very insightful. You know I’m a fan of Rene Girard as well, and I really appreciate how you are able to incorporate his theory into Christian experience. Thank you and keep them coming..
Thanks for the encouragement Darrin. I’ve found that no-one has really applied Gerardian thought to involvement within Christian community. It was a life saver when I met Roel Kaptein, one of Girard’s friends in the 80’s. He understood but I’ve found no-one else since then. Maybe there’s a book there for the future!
I notice on your blog that you’re in Uganda quite often – you should look up an old friend of mine who’s now a living legend in Kampala – Dr Ian Clarke. If you get in touch tell him you know me and I’m sure you’ll get a visit to his lovely home!!!!
Thanks for being a regular reader Darrin
Have you read my book The Prodigal Prophet at http://www.authonomy.com? It’s full of the pitfalls of mimesis within a religious movement.
The problem is, however, quite easily identifiable – you’ve stepped out of imitative desire / harmony with Holy Breath becoming a slave to the surrounding group mimesis. This skewed desire matrix is what holds many religious groups together and indeed, gives them their particular identity.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
oh my gosh, you just solved a fifteen-year-old mystery for me! Thank you!
(Going back to finish post now.)
Glad something has sparked within Tana. When I first saw this 25 years ago it was scales falling off my eyes – I had been energized by my pastor’s metaphysical desire and not Holy Breath. One leads to subliminal rivalry and one leads to perfect freedom.
“One of the most freeing insights I’ve ever received on my Journey was to understand that the Christian community, commonly known as Church, is not the Kingdom of God.”
What? You too? I feel at home here amongst kin folk.
Here’s a revelation that shifted my thinking years ago:
John Sanford writes in his work The Kingdom Within, “By instinct, man is a group animal. For hundreds of thousands of years he has existed through the group, and the individual has found his identity and meaning by virtue of his inclusion in the tribe, clan, or nation.
“But the Kingdom of God calls us to go beyond this ancient herd instinct and to establish an individual consciousness of oneself and of God. Being a disciple means following the call in the individual way, and inevitably this will mean the separating out of oneself from the collective psychology of the group.”
A wonderful comment Debra. I love the quote. The mimesis within the group is extremely powerful – just try leaving one that you’ve been involved in for many years. We all fear becoming the group’s scapegoat and the ‘psychological death’ that this entails. Only Spirit energizing Will can spring us from the network of desire.
This is all so right on! All groups function as an organism that must feed and protect itself. I’m sure many of us have heard up and coming leaders speaking and moving exactly like the head leader. (and this is often encouraged!)
After many many years I finally figured out that the reason I didn’t feel close to God, was because I kept bumping into the people whose faith I was trying imitate. My eyes were fixed on people, not on God.
Love the mention of spiritual incongruence, Simon. My goal for a long time has been to become more and more congruent; to trust the voice within.
All that is not love and life, has no place in me.
I love that last paragraph. I tend to think something is really wrong with me. There is actually something GOOD going on inside me when I leave feeling worse than when I got there. Good to hear that explanation. I hate it when I am in church and feel like I’m being held hostage.
Julie thank you for your most honest and perceptive comment.
I’m so glad the post resonated with you Julie.I believe many of us have or presently do feel like this having attended a religious meeting or service. It reminds me of the Emperor’s New Clothes – everyone pretending that there’s something very special going on – especially during the sermon – when we are in fact allowing ourselves to sit under the cosh of the Desire Matrix. My own advice would be to stop going if your internal warning bells are regularly set off on Sunday mornings. Go for a wee walk in Nature and FEEL the difference.
Blessings
Dylan.
The larger the group the more acting that goes on amongst the people within it. The less sincere the prayers and the less genuine the faith. The idea of these mega mind numbing churches was not in any way the desire of Jesus or his followers. They wanted exactly the opposite. “For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.” How on earth can someone even remotely experience a oneness with the Divine if they are amongst many and listening to someone who is paid to preach in whatever manner he/she chooses? When Jesus prayed to God (note, he was not God himself – would be awfully silly to ask yourself for help and strength now wouldn’t it?) he went alone and somewhere within the creation like a garden or mountain. He taught to pray alone, not with a group.
You don’t need a church filled with people. Your mind is your church.
-Nelson
http://quest4light.net
I’m right with you Nelson on the large mega church type thing. In my experience the performances aren’t just on the stage but within the congregation as a whole. We play our own roles in such a setting, even if it’s just by a beatific smile or a nod of the head followed by a heart ‘Amen’. Girard claims that the more charismaic a preacher orator the greater the gravitational desire pull. This also applies to the size of the group that one belongs to – the greater the desire mass the more difficult it is to resist the mimetic field.
Like you I believe the only truly sacred space where the Divine meeting takes place is the chamber of the heart; the meeting place of restored psyche/spirit. All other external experiences are the icing on the cake.
So being a hermit just means you are kicking it with God.
Hi Stacie
Thanks for dropping by. Can you unpack your thoughts a little more? Being Irish, I’m not quite on your wavelength yet. I’d love to comment on your take on my post. Blessings ~ Dylan
Its not about being a hermit Stacie, Its quite often about spending time with God quite alone sometimes for a period of time to answer some serious questions you can no longer just bypass anymore. For me anyway it became so hard to ignore the things I felt and saw and needed to have time with my daddy to heal and come to terms with them.
For me I have learned to rely on him alone now first and foremost, without the ‘need’ for others. But theres a different kind of need I have, a functional need for fellowship. One where I trust Holy Spirit to bring those individuals intp my life and across my path who I can touch base with on various levels. My Spirit actually craves this. I actually felt more of a hermit in the corperate church setting always. I personally never had my deep spiritual, physical, emotional love needs met. I always felt alone and like I didnt fit in. I wasnt one of the popular ones. Because I was a single mum with a special set of needs. I dont believe one community of people are equipped to meet the needs of everyone. I believe God hand picks people for the role of helping and coming along side another. Buut first and foremost one needs to know he is able, not a hall for of people. Because a humans needs are to intricate to limit them like this. When i left the building this opened me up to a whole world of potential friends. God hand picks them for me across the globe. And yes much is online. But I also have travelled and met with some special ones. And yes I enjoy kickin with Jesus too. I dont believe the church structure is right for everyone. I dont know how it can possibly be for anyone to be honest. But if it is for you then thats qhere you need to be.
God bless
Finding the Kingdom of God being within is what began to change my whole view on the need for fellowship via a church building. Submitting and authority are amply covered when you know you are in Him and He is in you. He can truly take care of all your needs… I still visit buildings from time to time and watch God work in spite of the confusion:) but I find it best to rest in what He says He has already done.
Thanks for dropping by Sheila. Yes my own experience reflects your own. Once one is really aware of the indwelling Presence of Spirit knowing that it is there for good the need for religious ritual is greatly diminished. I’ve discovered that the best form of contact with others who walk the same Path is outside a formal religious or spiritual setting. It’s not the I’m against going anywhere, religious building or otherwise, it’s just that the narrow track of status quo, predictable religious services do nothing for me, nor I believe, most folk there.
I have seen this in practice in my younger days. I remember watching the interplay but not being affected. It made me a target from both the leaders and the flock.
I found this article interesting.
Very painful but good to read. Thank you Dylan. I’m gonna share it with a friend whom I think it’ll help 🙂
Hope it helps Sarah. Many are trapped but see no way of escape. Leaving ‘church’ seems so like leaving God, but it is thankfully a lie.
There’s a big world belief that if the church doesn’t prosper and go forward that the particular sect will be lost. Well, so what? As you say, Dylan, we don’t need to relate that way. The church is a human institution, that’s all. And actually, as you’ve hinted, we have to watch that we don’t get caught up with just one person, too…a mentor, for instance. Very easy to slip into the trap that he/she is wiser than we are, and so we try to model ourselves after him/her. I’m finding that some of my best spiritual relating happens on the internet.
I loved this remark: “…like bible carrying zombies in the night of the dead.” Oh, and the blood-sucking vampires one was pretty good, too!
Thanks for commenting Amy. Gosh I wrote this Post over a year ago. Must have been around Halloween with all my sppoky imagery! Yet it’s been my most viewed post. I guess it must hit some desire nail on the head of us past or present pew observers!
I used to cry in church a lot …I used to feel so emotional this was after 4 years attendance …it started putting me off going …it got worse so I stopped……what was happening
Val I cried too for a long time. It was actually coming into divine love as a new believer. I believe it was the Holy Spirit. Dont be afraid of crying when he touches you. The ancient celts called the Holy Spirit ‘the wild goose ‘because he does as he pleases.You cant catch him or tame him.
On the other hand it could have been emotionalism.
I think only you and the Lord can answer that question.
Maybe ask him, he will show you.
See I had a mountain of pain and hurt when I came to him and he softened my heart. It was quite beautiful.
I used to look around and I realised I was the only one having this experience for a long long time. It was a bit embarrassing but somehow inside I just trusted it was the Lord.
I cant throw away all of qhat happened in the church cos God still used it many times.
Yes, I can identify with this. However, there’s another possible component to the equation. Upon first connecting with a church community, the new music is cool, the leadership has perspectives that may be new to us, we make new friends. In short, the community is giving to us. If we start to feel uncomfortable and disconnected, perhaps it’s time to give something back. A marriage is stronger when we think about what we can bring to it, not what we can get out of it…
Thanks for dropping by Dennis. I believe that within any group of religious or spiritual folk we must relate out of freedom. At times ‘giving back’ to the group is just part of the rivalry system, that digs us in deeper to the approval game with others.It can be a spiral of sorts that only intensifies the feeling that something is wrong. Anyway that’s been my own experience.
Blessings
Dylan
A very brief comment. We can all, quite easily, find fault in Christian Churches, as well as in other Religions, and that may be as it should – unless we have completely uncritical minds, even re. important issues. But to accept, unquestioning, anything is not very smart. However, could there be any Positive messages in Religious teachings. Should we be careful not, so to speak, throw the Baby out with the Bathwater ???
Hi Bert
Thanks for dropping by and comenting on my wee post. I guess I agree the Baby is to remain whilst the bathwater may or may not be dispensed with. I guess it all comes down to how we define both. For me the Baby is the Divine spark within that is independent of religion and its organisational structures – such a spirit essence is a deposit of Divine Love itself. It is to be experienced rather than passed on through doctrinal teachings as such. Indeed, religious teachings with their emphasis on conceptual belief may in fact cloud the Light of the Spirit within our psyche-souls. As you say we can all find fault within the organised and also unorganised groupings associated within religious traditions, and I would suggest, it is impossible for us not to, for they can and do easily morph into the transferrance matrices of skewed desire of which I spoke in the article. Hope that clarifies where I’m coming from.
Blessings
Dylan
For years I thought I had the problem. I stopped going to church about 12 years ago because I always felt worse coming out than going in. Not to mention I thought I was the one with the problem! Thank you so much for this Rticle Dylan–it makes so much sense now. I haven’t been to church for a long time and I know I still haven’t ridden myself of some bitterness but it’s a work in progress.
Hi Laurie
You have summed up the problem well. We tend to feel bad, blame ourselves and then try even harder to get more involved in the ‘vision’ of the group – a bit like a fish struggling on the end of a hook, which only goes further into its mouth. Often at this stage our eventual departure is sudden and dramatic, with much anger and disillusionment. Unfortunately many throw out the Nazarene and his spirituality with the whole church thing. Sad but true. 🙂 Dylan
Why go to Church at all, if it makes you feel worse ??? It’s supposed to be, isn’t it, for the purpose of healing your mind, perhaps even to bring about some harmony in life. If not, then Church may not be the answer for you .Although some people, through their religious upbringing, might feel that not attending Church is Sinning against God.
Hi Bert
Thanks for your comment and dropping by. I guess the problem is that the hidden co-dependency of ‘going to’ or being heavily involved in a religious or spiritual group is upon us before we realise it fully in our conscious mind. It may erupt as other problems, either physical or mental and its only when we hit rock bottom that we trace the source of our difficulties back to a dysfunctional attachment with a leader or group dynamic. Most of us who were involved in such groups usually leave quietly by the back door only to be quickly replaced by new recruits, enamoured and fascinated by the psycho-spiritual wares, including a sense of belonging, that are on offer. Personally I have not attended ‘church’ since 1986, although I still count myself as a follower of Yeshua, the Nazarene. I have to be honest – I have not missed it, whereas others may. 🙂 Dylan
Well, I can see where you’re coming from. I see it in my husband who now avoids going to church. I avoid going to church without my husband. I do drop in to prayer meetings here and there. But, I might be one of the few that feels at home at the church. Perhaps it’s my history as an orphan that compels me to want to be near God’s place of worship (in the formal sense). I am at church more for the vertical relationship than the horizontal. I wouldn’t mind more horizontal interaction, but God will provide that also. =)
Hi eunkyungsuh. I guess I’m against the manipulation of folks inner desires by all too zealous sects and their leaders. Hanging out with other followers of the Nazarene is beneficial, especially if we don’t have many friends. Looking for vertical alignment with Divine Love is definitely the way to go, no matter if within a formal religious setting or in our day to day lives. Maybe your husband has picked up some vibes from those in church, a feeling of not really being wanted etc.I can understand that. thankfully no matter where we are Divine Love is always closer than our next breath and unconditional in its love for us. For me that is the Good News of the Nazarene and His Divine Source. Lovely to hear from you Eunkyungsuh! ❤ Dylan
I remember once having a thought that an orchestra can be in tune with the conductor and each other but out of tune with God. Love this writing. Thank you. It sums up exactly the dynamic of what takes place in a meeting an organisation.
Hi Hermitshiloah.
Yes indeed. Moving as one in a religious or esoteric group setting may just mean that mimetic imitation is doing its thing, with the desire flow proceeding out of the leader of the gathering, be he/she a pastor, priest or ‘worship leader’!
A sense of flow may not necessarily emanate from Spirit Breath or Presence.
Thanks for your perceptive wee thought!
🙂 Dylan
Well this bible if you seek God with all your heart you wil find him. Spend time lots read his surrender all being to him only befor you knoe it you will be the one carry the power.Dont look to man seek God turn off the TV turn worship turn off negative turn on everthing that turns you towards him.Thats what I do but at the same time thats what his called me to.
Indeed Nancy. We carry the Divine Voice within, even better a spark of the Divine essence. I guess the trick is to be naturally spiritual without being fanatical about it. When we are things flow much more easily and we are at peace.
🙂 Dylan
I have attended church for years and I did grow, but after awhile I would get that feeling after awhile and always thought it was “to much pride” or conviction. I now know it was Holy Spirt alerting me of religious spirits. I do love praying with and worshiping with people, so we started a meetup group and so far, it is going well. There are others out there with the same experiences. Thanks for this.
Hi Sharon. Yes, we tend to ignore our gut instincts in religious settings, misinterpreting them as the the rantings of ego. Often they are the warnings of spirit to remove ourselves from the toxic environment ASAP. May your wee home group continue along the road of authenticity and genuine compassion.
🙂 Dylan
Similar story here. I will add that I have found Sacred Harp shaped note singing to be a very satisfying practice that connects me to what I still love about old time religion without the baggage. Check it out http://londonsacredharp.org/information-for-beginners/
Jesus loved the church and gave Himself up for her! Food for thought!!
Hi Nick.
Thanks for dropping by. I reckon that Yeshua let Himself be executed out of love for all mankind, rather than the church. I don’t believe that Divine Love can be limited to a certain credal group of folk, but rather all of It’s creation. In Greek, the word for church, ‘ekklessia’ is also translated as a ‘mob’ when Paul hit problems in Ephesus with the Diana devotees. Also food for thought I reckon. 🙂 Dylan
I don’t go to church at all as I have this feeling all of the time. I am not comfortable with my loan worship and prayer either however…not sure what the answer is
I should say, I am comfortable…I am more in presence with Holy spirit alone…and I try to give back – I volunteer in international development. But…I miss ‘fellowship’…
Hi Historyrush
We’re certainly wired for interaction with others, though personally I don’t see that as confined to fellow followers of the Nazarene. We carry the Divine Presence around with us all the time into the swirling sea of humanity, where we will find those who thirst for Divine Love. Often the predictability of church programmes can be stifling to our spirit, whereas in the non-religious world variety and life-flow can be found in the most unexpected of human interactions. Just my own thoughts though based on experience of church and non church relationships. Blessings ~ Dylan